Monday, June 15, 2015
Friday, June 5, 2015
Saturday, April 18, 2015
I am not sure when that began to change. Was it my ex husband walking away from our children, leaving me to parent completely on my own? Was it the breakup with Rich, when only after I ended it did I allow myself to feel the truth of his love for me, and the pain of that so great I thought my heart forever broken? Or was it as my on again off again therapist advised me, that my soul was damaged by constantly touching evil at work? Or maybe it is all of the above and more that I do not yet consciously recognize.
What I do know is that I used to be in love with people. I used to sing, dance, laugh, spin, etc etc for no other reason than being happy to be alive. I used to feel the sun on my face. I used to pray every morning and renew my vow to alleviate suffering- to be a beacon of healing. And now I go through the motions, missing that person dearly.
I do know that as the tide began to shift, one night I railed against the Universe, asking what the fuck else it wanted from me. I asked when was it my turn for love? I asked why was more needed from me? Had I not given enough? I had no life outside my children and work. And at work, I bore witness to horrific child abuse. I stood witness to the death of many children. I stood witness to the worst of humanity. When was it enough I asked? And I prayed for an answer with all my heart and soul.
And the answer came just a few days later. We were invaded by a drug felon, a man also wanted for sexually assaulting a child and not registering with his parole officer. He came into my home and robbed my beloved Em's innocence. He tried to take us hostage, to separate us. I know not which one of us he would have raped if the home had not been surrounded by police. I hate him to the depth of my being. This has not lessened in the last two and a half years.
Was this the final breaking point? I am starting to believe so. I have been mean, judgmental and shallow this last year. My openness, my great love, my desire to be of service, it comes and go in waves. And in the low points, there is anger- a deep and hotly burning anger. My blind trust, my faith, it barely flickers at times. My heart is covered over with scar tissue. Is this a maladaptive coping mechanism? Or is it the price of wisdom learned by life's hard lessons? Is this a sign I need to let it all go and find that innocent, loving all trusting person again? Or is she just gone? Is that good or bad? Is just time for me to grow up and get that life is hard and harsh? Or is it somewhere in between? I know not.
But what I do know is that this can not continue. The heartache. The distrust in other's motives. The fear to open and truly let myself love and be loved. The judgment and anger towards other's- it must end. I do not want this scarring, this shield around my heart. It hurts. And it causes me to hurt others. I don't know what the answer is except to pray with my whole heart and being. Maybe this is enough to know for now- that I must just humble myself and pray. Pray for an answer. Pray for healing. Pray for hope. Pray that this anger burns itself out. And most of all, pray that I am worthy of giving and receiving love. And that I fight something that is not real and has no power over me. Maybe it is all in my mind. Who knows. But pray I will and pray I must. Because the way it is now, the way it has been these last few years, it's not working. So I pray for that lost innocence, the lost joy, the lost belief in humanity. I miss it dearly. And so I bend my knees and open my heart, praying for healing, praying for love, and praying for peace. Selah.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Fear. You scare the fuck out of me. I look at you and I swallow tears. I can’t let go or I will slip into darkness. My heart beats in my throat. My breath quickens. Oh God oh God oh God I silently plead. I can’t. I did it once before. Back then I refused to acknowledge it too. Too afraid to truly feel it. And when it ended, and I finally opened my heart, the grief engulfed me. I lost years with my mourning.
I go still. I listen to your voice. And I feel my heart and my soul lean towards you. They want more. So much more. They are nowhere near satisfied. I’m exhausted with the struggle. I love you. Fuck.