Monday, June 15, 2015

Knowing Your Worth

Today I went to a very difficult training regarding Sexually Exploited Children. There has been a huge increase in child sex trafficking. It disgusts me, the huge network and market that prey on our most vulnerable children. 

Throughout the training it became more and more clear to me that many of these children are able to be recruited because of lack of real love. The majority of them come from homes in which they are abused and neglected. And it is not just poor children that are taken, it's middle and upper class children as well. Many of whom are left largely unsupervised. Many of whom who want for nothing materially- yet receive little attention. 

As I process the training, I see the many ways all of us, all of humanity, find ourselves in dysfunctional relationships for lack of love. I wince as I look back at some past relationships. 

Most recently, I stayed in a relationship for seven months when after only a month- I knew I would not find what I was looking for. I was emotionally and physically neglected, many times ignored and made to feel invisible. Yet I stayed because on the surface he looked like a good catch and a good guy. 
And I loved his young daughter dearly so I tried to make it work. I have been depressed since I ended it. I'm so disappointed in myself. I know better. Yet I stayed. 

So here I pledge to myself to truly and deeply love myself and know that I am worthy. I will truly believe it and act on it. And knowing that my daughter looks to me as a role model, I pledge to her that I will do my absolute best for her to know down to the marrow of her bones that she is worthy. I vow to give her real and unconditional love so that she will never settle for less in a partner. 

Friday, June 5, 2015

Listening is loving

Amazing what happens when you really listen to what your heart is telling you. And act upon its wisdom. I am learning to really listen and pay attention to my heart. It is having me make what initially seem like tough decisions. But after I have finally acted- the ease and peace that follows let me know that I am on the right path. So I vow to truly listen to my heart and to trust it's wisdom. Listening is loving. It is so easy, yet it is everything. Namaste 

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Wisdom Vs. A Closed and Scarred Heart

Up until just a few years ago, I was known for being very sweet, kind and inspiring. I was known for being a true believer in humanity, deeply in love with people and their complexity. I was known for never gossiping or saying a negative thing. I was a light- shiny and bright.

I am not sure when that began to change. Was it my ex husband walking away from our children, leaving me to parent completely on my own? Was it the breakup with Rich, when only after I ended it did I allow myself to feel the truth of his love for me, and the pain of that so great I thought my heart forever broken?  Or was it as my on again off again therapist advised me, that my  soul was damaged by constantly touching evil at work? Or maybe it is all of the above and more that I do not yet consciously recognize.

What I do know is that I used to be in love with people. I used to sing, dance, laugh, spin, etc etc for no other reason than being happy to be alive. I used to feel the sun on my face. I used to pray every morning and renew my vow to alleviate suffering- to be a beacon of healing. And now I go through the motions, missing that person dearly.

I do know that as the tide began to shift, one night I railed against the Universe, asking what the fuck else it wanted from me. I asked when was it my turn for love? I asked why was more needed from me? Had I not given enough? I had no life outside my children and work. And at work, I bore witness to horrific child abuse. I stood witness to the death of many children. I stood witness to the worst of humanity. When was it enough I asked? And I prayed for an answer with all my heart and soul.

And the answer came just a few days later. We were invaded by a drug felon, a man also wanted for sexually assaulting a child and not registering with his parole officer. He came into my home and robbed my beloved Em's innocence. He tried to take us hostage, to separate us. I know not which one of us he would have raped if the home had not been surrounded by police. I hate him to the depth of my being. This has not lessened in the last two and a half years.

Was this the final breaking point? I am starting to believe so. I have been mean, judgmental and shallow this last year. My openness, my great love, my desire to be of service, it comes and go in waves. And in the low points, there is anger- a deep and hotly burning anger. My blind trust, my faith, it barely flickers at times. My heart is covered over with scar tissue. Is this a maladaptive coping mechanism? Or is it the price of wisdom learned by life's hard lessons? Is this a sign I need to let it all go and find that innocent, loving all trusting person  again? Or is she just gone? Is that good or bad? Is just time for me to grow up and get that life is hard and harsh? Or is it somewhere in between? I know not.

But what I do know is that this can not continue. The heartache. The distrust in other's motives. The fear to open and truly let myself love and be loved. The judgment and anger towards other's- it must end. I do not want this scarring, this shield around my heart. It hurts. And it causes me to hurt others. I don't know what the answer is except to pray with my whole heart and being. Maybe this is enough to know for now- that I must just humble myself and pray. Pray for an answer. Pray for healing. Pray for hope. Pray that this anger burns itself out. And most of all, pray that I am worthy of giving and receiving love. And that I fight something that is not real and has no power over me. Maybe it is all in my mind. Who knows. But pray I will and pray I must. Because the way it is now, the way it has been these last few years, it's not working. So I pray for that lost innocence, the lost joy, the lost belief in humanity. I miss it dearly. And so I bend my knees and open my heart, praying for healing, praying for love, and praying for peace. Selah. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Fear

Fear. You scare the fuck out of me. I look at you and I swallow tears. I can’t let go or I will slip into darkness. My heart beats in my throat. My breath quickens. Oh God oh God oh God I silently plead. I can’t. I did it once before. Back then I refused to acknowledge it too. Too afraid to truly feel it. And when it ended, and I finally opened my heart, the grief engulfed me. I lost years with my mourning.


I go still. I listen to your voice. And I feel my heart and my soul lean towards you. They want more. So much more. They are nowhere near satisfied. I’m exhausted with the struggle. I love you. Fuck.

 


Thursday, May 15, 2014

On being human

I have been very happy at work the last few months. I have a wonderful team and I feel blessed to have the manager that I do. It has been the best time of my 15 plus years at CPS so far.

I believe that because of this, the stress  and sadness of work happenings this last week has been despairing. I have tried various things to pep things up- yesterday I bought my staff toys and stickers to play with in my office. I have also done my best to be fully present and available to them- cheering them and our families on. 

I have had more low points than I can count in my career. Some of them lasted for months- months in which I walked around like a numbed out zombie. And always what has turned it around is a beautiful and pure moment when I hear my spirit singing with the glory of our humanity. Moments where I felt completely in tune with Love- where I felt I was one with God/dess.

I have been waiting for this to happen. And I was blessed that it happened today.

On paper one of the moms I met today looked violent and sick with addiction. But in sitting next to her, I felt the anger and resentment of the last few days dissolve. My anxious and wandering mind stopped and became fully focused and still. I looked at her and I saw her- I truly saw her. And my spirit began to sing.

I was blunt and candid with her as is my way. I told her her children will not go home today and why. But then I told her that I deeply believed she would make it. I told her I believed that she was so much stronger than she knew. And I told her that many times I sit in these meetings and don't believe the parent will turn it around as they just don't seem ready. But I told her that when she goes into a program, and feels like walking out, or feels like taking a drink, to remember this moment- when I told her I knew she could do it and that she was going to be so beautiful one day. She cried quietly. We looked straight into each other's eyes- and I repeated to her again- I believe in you. 

Her mother then began to cry. She told me she had once been an alcoholic too. She said she was saved five years ago and has not drunk since. She said she spent the day in prayer, praying to Jesus for her daughter to be seen for who she truly is. She said I was anointed and she thanked Jesus for answering her prayer. She asked if she could give me a hug and bless me. I told her yes, I would be so honored.

I never know in these meetings if I am being lied to or not. I never know if my desire to alleviate suffering and be a catalyst interferes with my judgment or not. My job is humbling and difficult. But for today, for a few minutes, the rightness of my professional calling, the love and passion that drives me, it filled me with light. I give thanks with my whole being. I am in awe of the glory of that moment.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Stepping out of the pattern

Caught myself in the midst of a pattern of behavior I had hoped I had resolved. Trying to step out of it, one step at a time. And so I breathe, feel my heart racing, and breathe again and again.

I swear this- I will never let another person define my happiness. And I will never over analyze and smother another relationship. I vow it. 

I can do this.

Breathe. 

Breathe...

Monday, February 17, 2014

Life happens

The last month has been a blur. Turning 41, started dating again, getting my son ready for college, long work hours, lots of sad and violent calls at work, Girl Scout cookie sales, and now preparing for my son to turn 18. I'm doing my best to be fully awake and aware, moment by moment. I will not rush through my life. I will not live with regret. So in this moment, I stop, I breathe, I honor.